Understanding Your Feelings and Taking Control
Breakups can bring up every emotion in the book, and we ’ve all been through them. One minute you’re just fine, and the next you feel like your world just came tumbling down.
The heartache you’re feeling just cannot compare to anything else you’ve felt (outside of something really tragic). You feel alone.
Even your ex can’t seem to understand your pain. The people around you say they understand and keep telling you that it will get better, but you just can’t take in what they are saying. You want to know when.
Sometimes, you may even subconsciously enjoy the pain, because it’s the only way you feel you can stay connected to your ex.
Even during this roller-coaster ride, you feel like you are going crazy and start doing things that are out of character for you. All the things you said you would never do, you find yourself doing and justifying your reasons for doing them.
If anyone were to know half the things you were doing or saying, he or she would definitely identify you as crazy.
I mean, so crazy that some might even think that you’re suffering from a nervous breakdown. One minute you hate him, wondering how he could do this to you, and the next you’re texting him, telling him you love him and that you want to work it out, and then if you get no response, you’re back to saying he’s a joke.
Then you tell yourself you need to focus on you, right?
You need to get realigned with who you once were. Like, who does he think he is? How could he end the relationship when you’re the one who had every reason to end it? Why didn’t you end it? Why didn’t you say something? How did he get control over this relationship? And then the game playing starts. Those accidental late-night texts. The things you say at night that you wouldn’t say in the clear light of day.
This is the period when you’re trying to feel him out.
You start writing your thesis on iMessenger. You want to find ways to see him, so you communicate with him on social media. You try calling and messaging him and get nothing. Not one response. So this just amps you up even more. Who is he not to respond to you? All these years? All the things you did for him. Everything he said to you. So now you’re stalking him on social media, checking out what his friends and family are posting to see if he’s having a good time. You’re wondering if he’s feeling it like you are. And of course, you find nothing to tell you how he’s really doing. You just find more reasons to get mad.
As if all that weren’t enough, you start wanting to take the blame for the breakup.
You start saying things like: “Well, I shouldn’t have acted that way. I could have done this better. Yeah, I was wrong for doing that.” And then, of course, you feel even more alone and learn that you just have to go through the pain. Nothing is going to make this better, nothing but time and prayer. Some days you're able to get excited about your future, and other days, you can barely make it. Your heart is broken, and now it needs your spirit and mind to help it heal.
You have two options: Either you can do nothing and continue to feel this way, or you can move forward, expecting a much brighter future.
Yes, from time to time, you may have relationship flash- backs, and you may have deep heartbreak scars, but those scars just mean you survived, that you know what heartbreak feels like. These scars, and your memories, good and bad, serve to redefine your character and create a much stronger version of you.
When Will This Ever End?
After a breakup, you might wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again. You’re getting sick of all the ups and downs! It has to end, right? Well, for most of us, it’s a process. I mean, you can’t just turn on and off your emotions like a light switch.
Very few people are able to move forward with- out much pain, but they still had to go through the process. Maybe it just seemed easier, because they went through the process while they still had the title of being in a relationship. Perhaps you’ve broken up with your partner mentally and spiritually but not physically, so on the outside it may look as if you’re having an easier time moving forward, but the truth is, you did your suffering while you were still with him.
You keep thinking that with each breakup it will get easier, but it doesn’t. As long as you opened yourself up emotionally while you were in the relationship, the heartbreak will be there. Though the darkness of the pain can’t seem to go by fast enough, the truth is, the light at the end of the tunnel is actually closer than you think.
How soon you see that light depends on whether you resist moving forward or accept what is happening.
If you truly love someone, in the purest sense of the word, you will never stop loving him. You just understand and believe that you deserve better, and just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are meant to be with him. Your time in each other’s lives has come to an end. The next chapter of your life does not involve him. In fact, you can’t get to the next chapter while still being focused on him. And vice versa — he can’t grow as a person with you. You may want to believe that he can, but right now, he cannot.
Sometimes, in order for you to evolve, you need to leave certain things and people behind, and it just so happens that he is one of those people who can no longer have a front-row seat in your life.
Your process needs you to accept that it will take time and prayer. Along the way you will be detoxified; you will be purified by going through all these challenges. You must resist doing certain things, going to certain places, and reacting to certain things you hear. Your mountain to climb comes with a few bumps, rocky paths, snakes, and more, but reaching the top comes with victory and a great perspective. You will have some cloudy days, but eventually all will be clear again.
Any indecisiveness that you had about your relationship will now be replaced by some definitive truths.
You will form your own new reality. In this period of detox (more about that later), you will learn to let go of anger, resentment, negative thoughts, self-doubt, and all the things you cannot control. You need to grow stronger, so it’s time to give your emotional muscle, as well as your spirit, a good workout. Your belief in love, which you may feel is slipping away, is actually being tested. You’ll probably play Beyoncé’s recording of “Me, Myself, and I” a thousand times, and that’s okay. Right now, it’s about you. It’s about reconnecting with God and with yourself.
While you know that this is not the end of your life, the pain sure makes it feel that way sometimes. You just have to take it one moment at a time, one hour at a time, and one day at a time. During this time you’ll realize you’ve given so much of yourself to get a love you never really had and that it’s time to reroute your energy.
You can’t put a deadline on your healing, but you must decide that you’re going to move forward.
Anytime you feel an emotion, just embrace it. You are allowed to feel angry, hurt, crazy, and more. The key is to not act on these feelings, which I’ll discuss in more detail below. Acknowledge that you feel a certain way rather than putting it to the side or resisting your feelings. Resistance only causes you more pain and delays your healing. This is your time to be truthful with yourself. It is said that you can’t cry over spilled milk, but right now, you can and you should.
Embracing your feelings doesn’t mean not being responsible for your part in what happened; it just means that you are letting it all out.
You are facing your feelings and yourself. You are not waiting for the other person to save you from your pain. You are dealing with it yourself. You know that the one who caused the pain cannot possibly heal you from the pain. Only you can do that. Your ex can only put a bandage over the wound, if you allow him to do so, and that will only be a temporary fix until you deal with the problem head-on.
Your process may end when you least expect it.
One day you will wake up and realize that you’re no longer entertaining the same old thoughts and that you no longer have the same feelings as you did right after the breakup. You’ll just feel thankful for and energized by what’s to come. It may even come as a surprise to you that your feelings are now tamed. You no longer seem to think or care about the relationship. In fact, you’ll be able to say that the whole situation only made you better.
You learned a few things about yourself, and now you are equipped to avoid some of the same mistakes. You can actually laugh at some of the choices you’ve made. You’ve become stronger and better, and all it took was time.
About the author
As a way to motivate her readers, Tatiana uses her books, journals and other writings to express her desires, hurts, and pains. Her work has gained her popularity, especially with her relatable quotes on love which she is best known for.
Outside of being an author, Tatiana is also a speaker, entrepreneur, and designer. From all over the world, millions of women listen to her weekly discussions on self love and confidence. She has truly made herself into a go-to source for relief when it comes to dealing with life's challenges and hurdles. By sharing her life and experiences with the world she is able to not only connect with her self, but also with her fans; mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
To know more about Tatiana, visit her website: www.tatianajerome.com.