Trust the gods within, accept given boon. Illusion is realities border, pierce fear to go beyond
To be ready for love, we must release all that stands in the way of love
~ Tammi Baliszewski
Are you really ready to be in a relationship?
When you think about manifesting a relationship do you feel happy, excited and expectant or do you feel some trepidation? Are you afraid of feeling trapped or worried that you might be hurt or disappointed?
Romantic partnerships inevitably lead us back full circle to our first relationships—the ones with our parents.
The dynamics that occur early in life are the ones we tend to recreate. Sigmund Freud, an Austrian physician who founded the psychoanalytic school of psychology, referred to this as the repetition compulsion. It is as if we have unconscious radar that leads us to what is familiar, even if the familiar isn’t positive.
Children of alcoholics tend to attract alcoholic mates; children who were abused find themselves in abusive relationships as adults. If you were neglected and dismissed, then you will struggle to get the attention and affection you desire from your partner.
Consider your experiences as a child:
- Were you given plenty of love and affection or were you ignored?
- Were you smothered or were you given too much space?
- Did you live in a strict household or was there a lot of freedom?
Consider what the most important relationships in your childhood felt like.
- What was your relationship like with your mother and father?
- What about your relationships with other relatives or close friends?
- What were some of the qualities of those early connections?
We all unconsciously tend to recreate what is familiar.
When we are unclear and conflicted about what we really want, we create dueling intentions (also known as mixed messages). Dueling intentions can be somewhat challenging and perplexing. We may have a conscious intention and believe we desire something, but we might also have a subconscious fear of it actually showing up.
Many people have a fear of failure, but often those same people unconsciously have a greater fear of success. We may consciously believe we want more money, power, a relationship, or to be thin but, at the same time, we may have unconscious trepidation about how these things could negatively affect our lives.
Subconscious beliefs or fears are an attempt to keep us in our safe zone.
Most people fear change and being out of control. (Fear and control are the biggest addictions and illusions that we have as humans.) If we say we want more money or a relationship, but also fear actually having those things, they will not easily come to us.
These contradictions are a way we unconsciously sabotage the manifestation of the very things we say we want. It helps to identify both what we want and our competing intentions. By identifying our roadblocks (resistance or fear), we can work to remove them—if we really want to.
Our thoughts and emotions create an energy (or vibration) that brings tangible and intangible results.
Our words, thoughts, feelings and actions all create a ripple effect in the world and act like a magnet to attract people, opportunities, objects and situations into our lives.
Whether we want something too much or not enough, the energy we emit prevents it from easily showing up in our lives. When we want something very badly and do not believe we can have it, we often experience an energy of fear and desperation around that desire. Fear acts as a deterrent and can repel the object, goal, or outcome.
We all want a sense of freedom, joy and creativity.
None of us want to feel trapped, suppressed, or controlled. Many of us have had unpleasant experiences in relationships. This can color our outlook and create a vibration that will set us up for recreating another unpleasant relationship. All this unpleasantness may make us think we do not want to be in a relationship at all, but that does not feel fulfilling either.
We need to examine these mixed messages and the core beliefs beneath them. Once we acknowledge, understand and release our internal contradictions, we can consciously take steps to become more integrated and congruent.
When we do not admit what we want and consciously claim it, we are much less likely to attract it.
This can happen when we do not want to get our hopes too high, or set ourselves up for disappointment. We stand on the periphery rather than in the center of our power as conscious creators. When you are clear about your desire for love and claim it, love will find its way into your life.
It is impossible to manifest true love without an open and available heart and unresolved pain can be a substantial roadblock. Heart connections that have not been severed can keep you attached to the past, connected to another and energetically unavailable. It is important to clear the pain and heal the hurt if you want to attract your sacred partnership.
For a period of time in my life, I was saying that I wanted to be in a relationship; however I noticed that I was consistently attracting men who were emotionally unavailable.
I eventually had to ask myself, Why?
The answer was because unconsciously I, too, was emotionally unavailable. You could say I had a foot in and a foot out of the whole relationship thing. I had a fear of commitment and I had not healed my hurt from past relationships. Once I became aware of this, I chose to work with my beliefs and release my fear. I set an intention to become more emotionally available to Spirit and myself.
I made a commitment to work on my relationship with myself which included keeping track of my thoughts and progress in a journal, participating in therapy, studying the teachings of spiritual psychology and practicing meditation and prayer. Only after I took responsibility for the relationship with myself and God and healed my limiting beliefs, did an emotionally available man come my way.
What comes to mind when you consider the word commitment?
- How does it make you feel?
- Where do you feel it in your body?
- Is there any negativity or discomfort?
- Do you contract or do you expand?
If you experience discomfort or constriction, be willing to explore it, communicate with it and get to the core of your fears.
Protection from Intimacy
Another dynamic I observe happening in the lives of my clients and friends (and have been guilty of myself) is an attraction to inappropriate people. For example, many women have a fascination with “bad boys.” They find them exciting, adventurous and perhaps a little dangerous. In contrast, “nice guys” can seem dull and a little boring. This dynamic is a way of keeping us from an authentic connection and intimacy.
I recreated a pattern from my childhood and was drawn to men that paid little or no attention to me, which fed my thrill of the chase. If a man was slightly disapproving, my attention would be piqued. Unconsciously, I was attracted to people like my father who expected me to jump through hoops for crumbs. I was familiar with emotional abuse and although I did not consciously like it or intentionally seek it out, it was my comfort zone.
These relationships mirrored what I believed to be true about myself—I did not have much value. However, I thought if I worked really hard I could convince a man I was special. Metaphorically, I would play games, put on a mask, juggle and even tap dance for him.
Consciously, I thought I was ready for a relationship, but subconsciously I certainly was not ready for love.
I had the potential to become infatuated, attracted and intrigued, but I was nowhere near ready for an authentic, mature partnership. I would not have been able to tolerate a loving, respectful and responsible man. If he was too kind, it made me nauseas. I was unfamiliar with unconditional love and did not love myself; therefore I was uncomfortable and ultimately incapable of accepting love.
As I embarked on my healing path, a teacher asked me about the dynamics of the primary relationships in my early life. It eventually became apparent I was recreating the same experiences I had as a child. My father was not really emotionally or physically present and he was not amused with having three girls under his feet all the time. He was a young, handsome, ambitious military man who was determined to make his place in the world. I was always trying to get his attention and earn his approval which was ineffective.
Instead of being seen and treated as the cute loveable girl I truly was, I was treated as a nuisance. Mom was often overwhelmed and would ask my sisters and me to go outside and play. We all longed for her attention, but she did not have the energy, patience or the desire to interact with us. In retrospect, many of the relationships I was having in my adult life were recreating the very same experiences of my childhood—feeling ignored, feeling unimportant and feeling like a nuisance.
Frustration, anger and annoyance were also common threads in my attempts at love.
After my parents’ bitter divorce, the addition of a strict, angry, controlling, workaholic stepfather made life even more complex. He expected us to be subservient, obedient and hard working. Later in life, I manifested relationships with possessive, angry, con- trolling men who disregarded my opinions and feelings. My “job” was to behave and be subservient. Again, I was unconsciously recreating what was familiar.
I finally decided to take a look at my patterns and habits in relationships. Some of them included playing games, being coy and flirting to get the attention and approval of men. I also heavily relied on my physical attributes to get noticed.
Once I became aware I was doing this, the behavior started to shift.
While I was working on cultivating a more committed, respectful, loving relationship with myself, I was preparing for a committed, respectful, loving relationship with a man. Once I became conscious of my deep-seated patterns and beliefs and set my intention to heal, life started to naturally shift.
I started to give up the roles I had known for a great deal of my life—no more “good girl,” no masks, no games. I decided I wanted to get to know me and be me—all of me—whatever that was. I had nothing left to lose. It was time to give being the real me a chance.
Ready for Love
Being ready for love is much more than simply looking good, being witty, or playing games. It is more than the process of capturing another or being captured. It is also more than romance, impressing, or being impressed.
Being truly ready for love is an authentic desire to know yourself, take full responsibility for yourself, live in your truth and honor yourself. It is the desire to become honest, real and to connect with another person who is coming from the same place. This is the fertile ground where vulnerability and intimacy can begin to take root. This is the foundation where the seeds of true love are sown. When we set the intention for love in our lives, we give up a certain amount of control. Where there is real love, there is no need or desire to control.
Negative experiences from past relationships can linger in many ways.
Unpleasant memories and judgments based on these memories can affect your current beliefs about relationships and limit your ability to live in joy. When looking back on your past relationships, focus on the gifts they gave you.
Ask yourself, “What did I learn?” Where were the blessings? What about the relationship was good and positive? By choosing to focus on the positive aspects of so-called failed relationships, we redirect ourselves and attract more positive relationships and experiences in our lives.
By consciously choosing to redirect our focus to the more positive aspects of past relationships, we can soften our anger, hurt and frustration. We can start to see things from a higher altitude. This can shift our vibration and what we will attract in the future.
Whatever we choose to focus on will expand.
When we observe, discuss, think about and focus on the negative we call forth more negativity. By choosing to observe, discuss, think about, or focus on the positive, we call forth more positive.
Focusing on the negative aspects of being in a relationship leads to constriction and limitation.
Loss of freedom was one of my fears about being in a relationship. This fear brought possessive, controlling and jealous men into my life and I felt trapped. When I focused on observing other peoples’ relationships in which there appeared to be mutual sup- port, respect and freedom, I came to realize that freedom is an inside job. I could not manifest a relationship where I felt safe and free, until I had the sense of safety and freedom within myself.
Another limiting belief I held was that relationships always entail pain and compromise; after all, this had been my experience since I was very young. I worked hard to heal the pain and disappointment of my inner child, which helped me to move past these beliefs. I opened up to the possibility that my future relationship would not entail pain, compromise, or settling for less than I deserve.
I set the strong intention that there would always be a win-win solution coming out of every situation.
Many people argued with me about this point, but I chose to believe it was possible. In my current relationship, we have indeed been able to consistently create those win-win scenarios.
There are no longer any negative aspects on my list about being in a committed relationship. I now have a wonderful partnership where I experience profound support, freedom, respect and joy. However, this could not have occurred until I really observed, addressed and shifted my limiting and negative beliefs about being in a relationship. I could not be where I am if I had not taken responsibility for myself and worked hard to understand and heal myself.
Exercise: Identifying Dueling Intentions
In general, what comes to mind when you think of relationships? Is it joy? Pain? Fun? Betrayal? Happiness? Sadness?
More than likely it is a combination of positive and negative qualities. Turn to a blank page in your journal and draw a line down the middle. On one side of the line, list the reasons you want a relationship. On the other side, write down the reasons you do not want to be in a relationship. Look deep within yourself for any dueling intentions or buried beliefs that may need to be identified.
|Reasons I want a relationship||Reasons I do not want a relationship|
|Sharing interests||Feeling trapped|
|Having adventures||Less freedom|
|Securities||Potential for pain|
Once you are consciously aware of your dueling intentions, you can use this information to clarify what you truly want in a relationship. Review your list of reasons and use them to create your own ideal scenario. This could be done in a form of written prayer that combines the positive characteristics you desire along with constructively addressing your negative concerns.
I am welcoming and embracing a long-term, loving and committed relationship with a partner who loves his own freedom and supports me wholeheartedly in embracing my own. I am delighted to be experiencing a fulfilling, committed spiritual partnership that is secure with an emotionally available and mature man who appreciates me and our connection. He knows how to successfully navigate the more challenging waters of life and we become more intimate with each other as a result of them.
Surrendering is the act of relaxing, being patient and no longer relying solely on your own understanding. It is the awareness and acceptance that you are not in complete control of your life. For many, admitting this can be painful and really scary! It means we are willing to loosen our white knuckled grip on life, relinquish our attachments and trust the workings of Spirit and the organizational skills of the universe.
It is releasing false illusions so we can invite and experience connection, miracles, joy and truth. It is about living life from the heart rather than the head. It is ultimately about aligning with our Higher Selves and inviting the grace of God into our lives.
1. Use a loose piece of paper and write down any limiting beliefs or fears that you have about being in a committed relationship.
2. Write down any connections or attachments to others that prevent your heart from being truly accessible and available.
3. Are there people from your past that still tug at your heart strings? If so, who?
4. Do you have an attachment to being in relationship with a particular person? If so, who?
5. Is there anyone you have not forgiven or still feel victimized by?
6. Write down other situations, people, challenges, opportunities, relationships or anything else that you are now willing to offer up to Spirit.
7. Are you willing to surrender any limiting beliefs and dueling intentions? Are you ready to let go of past relationships that you still feel attached to? If your answer is yes, then you are ready to surrender. When you release your attachments and partner with Spirit, you open more fully to intuition, clarity, direction and Divine support. However, this cannot happen without an invitation from you. By surrendering, you are not giving up. You are merely choosing to relax, become receptive, release your worries and have faith in the Source that breathes you.
8. Now create a sacred space for yourself. Perhaps you can light a candle, burn incense and play soothing music. Write the following letter or another one in your own words:
Dear God/Spirit/ Jesus/ Divine One (or whatever name you choose to use):
I now invite You to partner with me. Please support and assist me on my journey. I am now open to Your plan for me. I am now willing to surrender and release any and all negative, limiting or unhealthy beliefs and attachments. My intention is to be free to love and be love.
My intention is to journey forth in partnership with You in great joy, love, clarity and connection. Thank You, Dear God, for all of the blessings in my life and the opportunity to align with You more fully. Thank you for all the love, joy, beauty and blessings in my in my life and all that are on the way to me now!
(Sign your name)
9. Now tear up or carefully burn the paper you used to answer the questions. By participating in this simple ceremony, you crack the door open for Spirit to show up more fully in your life. The One who created you wants for your happiness, but will not force it upon you. It is up to you if you want to align with Spirit. As best-selling author and spiritual activist Marianne Williamson has said, “The same energy that moves the planets around the sun, that turns seeds into flowers and trees and turns embryos into babies, can take care of your life—if you let Him.”
It is by lifting our hands and our hearts to God that we open to greater possibilities, incredible synchronicities, as well as profound healing and love. By doing this we leave behind relying solely on our limited understanding and open to partnering and flowing with the Creative Energy of the Universe.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears. When the lover is ready the beloved appears. If you are truly ready and if your intention is sincere, allow your heart to open and expect miracles.
Excerpted from Tammi Baliszeswski's Manifesting Love From the Inside Out. Reprinted with permission.
About the author
Dr. Tammi is an expert on relationships, prosperity, healing and health, from a psychological as well as spiritual perspective — it all starts within: by respecting, honoring and loving ourselves, the world loves us back.
Tune in to Dr. Tammi’s radio program, Journey to Center on Empoweradio.com for conscious conversation, exciting guests, empowering tools and real-life techniques to expand and your mind, your heart and your world.
To find out more about Tammi, and to download her free manifesting program and healing guided meditation please visit her website www.tammibphd.com.