- in Self-Care
Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self demonstrates how all problems of a physical, emotional or mental order come from five important sources of hurt: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice.
Thanks to the carefully detailed description of these inner wounds, and the masks that you have designed in order to not see or feel them, you will come to identify the true cause of a certain problem in your life.
Lise Bourbeau offers a practical solution at the end of this book in order to turn your day-to-day problems into stepping-stones toward personal growth and to become aware once more that you are a creative GOD.
The deeper our wound of rejection, the more often we’ll attract circumstances where we’ll be rejected or where we’ll reject someone else.
The more withdrawers reject themselves, the more afraid they are of being rejected.
They continually put themselves down. They often compare themselves to someone better, and so believe that they aren’t as good as others.
They can’t see that they can be better than others in certain fields. They even find it hard to believe that someone would want them as a friend or as a partner, or that people could really love them.
One mother told me that when her children told her they loved her, she could never understand why.
Withdrawers live in ambivalence.
When they are chosen, they can’t believe it, they reject themselves and sometimes end up sabotaging the situation.
When they aren’t chosen, they feel rejected. Someone who came from a large family told me that his father never chose him for anything. His deduction was that all the others were better than he. It is therefore not surprising that they were chosen instead. It becomes a vicious circle.
Withdrawers may think that what they say or do is worthless.
When they receive a lot of attention, they can fall apart, fearing that they’re taking up too much space. If they take up a lot of space, they believe that they bother others. In their eyes, being a bother means that they’ll be rejected by the person or people they believe they bother. They will continue to stay in the background as long as their wound hasn’t healed.
When withdrawers speak and someone interrupts them, their immediate reaction is to think that it’s because they aren’t important and they usually stop speaking.
People who don’t suffer from rejection wouldn’t think that they’re not important; they would think that it’s what they’re saying that isn’t important. Withdrawers also find it hard to give their opinions if they haven’t been asked, because they feel that the others will feel confronted and will reject them.
If they need to ask something but the person they need to ask is busy, they won’t disturb them. They know what they want but don’t dare ask for it, believing that it isn’t important enough to warrant bothering others.
Several women have told me that they stopped confiding in their mothers when they were teenagers for fear of not being understood. They equated understanding with love.
Being understood has nothing to do with being loved.
Loving is accepting the other person even if we don’t understand. Because of this belief, withdrawers become evasive when they speak. They try to evade the subject at hand and fear speaking about other subjects. They act this way primarily with other women. Don’t forget that if it’s a withdrawn man, he’ll experience the same thing with his father and other men.
Another characteristic of withdrawers is that they seek perfection in everything they do, because they believe that if they make a mistake, they’ll be judged.
For them, being judged equals being rejected.
As they don’t believe in the perfection of their being, they make up for it by trying to reach perfection in what they do. They unfortunately confuse “being” with “doing.”
Their need for perfection can even become an obsession. They so much want everything they “do” to be perfect, that each task takes them longer than necessary. This, of course, attracts other situations where they will be rejected.
Withdrawers' greatest fear is panic.
As soon as they think they may panic in a given situation, their instinctive reaction is to run away, to hide or to withdraw. They prefer to disappear because they know that if they panic, they’ll be frozen to the spot. They believe that if they run away they’ll avoid a calamity. They are so convinced that they wouldn’t be able to deal with their panic that they can easily come to believe there’s a possibility for future panic, even when it’s not the case.
Wanting to disappear is innate for withdrawers.
I’ve often heard them say, during regressions to the fetal state, that they even tried to hide when they were in their mothers’ womb. As you can see, it starts very early.
As we attract the type of situations and people into our lives that frighten us, so withdrawers frequently attract situations or people into their lives that make them panic. Their fear makes the situation even more dramatic. However, they find all sorts of ways to justify their withdrawal, their escape.
Withdrawers panic and remain frozen to the spot more easily with the parent or others of the same sex (especially if these people remind them of that parent).
They don’t have the same sort of fear with the parent or people of the opposite sex. They can face them more easily. I’ve also noticed that withdrawers often use the word panic in their vocabulary.
They’ll say, for example: “I’m panic-stricken at the idea of giving up smoking.” Another person, not suffering from the wound of rejection, would simply have said they found it difficult to stop smoking.
The fear of panicking also makes withdrawers lose their memory in certain situations.
They believe that they have a memory problem when in fact it’s a problem of fear.
During the course Become a Workshop Organizer/Lecturer, I often notice that when people with withdrawn characteristics come to the front to give a talk to the others, their fear becomes so strong that, at the last minute, even if they are well prepared and know the subject, they draw a blank. They sometimes even leave their body completely, in front of us all, frozen to the spot as if they were in a dream. Fortunately, this problem sorts itself out as the withdrawers heal their wound of rejection.
It is interesting to observe that our wounds also affect the way we eat.
Human beings feed their physical body in the same way they feed their emotional and mental bodies.
Withdrawers prefer small portions and often lose their appetite when they’re afraid or when they’re going through an emotional time. They are more likely to suffer from anorexia than any of the other types.
Anorexics cut themselves off almost completely from food because they think they’re too fat when in fact, they’re thin. It’s their way of trying to disappear. On the occasions they eat greedily, they’re actually trying to escape through food. It is, however, rare for withdrawers to use food for escape. They more often choose alcohol or drugs.
When they are very frightened, withdrawers need sugar. As fear drains us of our energy, we often think that by eating sugar, we’ll have more energy. Unfortunately, extra sugar only supplies a short burst of energy after which the need for more sugar arises once again.
Our ego does everything possible to stop us from seeing our wounds.
Because unconsciously we’ve given it permission to do that. We are so afraid of once again going through the pain associated with each wound that we avoid, in every way possible, admitting to ourselves that if we are going through rejection it’s because we reject ourselves. Those who reject us in our lives are there to show us to what extent we reject ourselves.
About the author
In 1941, Lise Bourbeau was born in Quebec, the fourth of eleven children. Surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance, she developed courage, balance and a sense of conviction that produced a wellspring of ideas on health, love, success and happiness. Her sincerity and exceptional leadership qualities have provided precisely the right chemistry with her audience, so that her gifts can be shared openly, to the benefit of everyone who experiences her unique style.
Since the 80s, she has written books to meet the growing needs of participants in her workshops. She has published twenty books that have been translated in more than twenty languages!
To know more about Lise, visit her website www.lisebourbeau.com.