Dr. Behfar Ehdaie is a leading physician in New York City specializing in prostate cancer treatment.
With years of experience, he’s earned a reputation as an expert in understanding prostate tumors—their growth patterns, risks, and the best treatment strategies.
But being an expert wasn’t enough.
Every day, he faced the same challenge: scared and anxious patients.
The Emotional Wall
Imagine being told you have cancer.
It’s life-altering news. Patients entering Dr. Ehdaie’s office carried immense fear:
- “Am I going to die?”
- “What will happen to my family?”
- “Can I fix this now before it gets worse?”
From a medical standpoint, many prostate cancers grow so slowly that immediate intervention isn’t necessary.
Treatments like surgery and radiation—while effective—can lead to severe side effects:
- Loss of sexual function
- Urinary issues
- Risk of nerve damage
For these patients, Dr. Ehdaie recommended “active surveillance”—a strategy of monitoring instead of immediate action.
But time and again, his advice was met with resistance:
- “I want surgery immediately.”
- “Just remove the cancer, Doctor!”
His patients weren’t rejecting him; they were rejecting the idea of waiting.
The Communication Gap
Dr. Ehdaie started to notice a pattern.
Even though his recommendations were evidence-based, patients weren’t receptive. Why?
Because he was speaking the language of logic, while they were stuck in an emotional conversation.
In their minds, cancer wasn’t just a diagnosis—it was a death sentence.
They were:
- Afraid to leave their loved ones behind.
- Desperate to take control of the situation.
- Focused on eliminating the threat immediately.
Dr. Ehdaie realized he needed to change his approach.
The Shift
Searching for answers, he consulted experts at Harvard Business School.
Their advice? Transform the conversation.
Instead of diving straight into facts:
- Start with curiosity. Ask deep, open-ended questions.
- Match the emotional tone. Meet patients where they are emotionally before introducing practical solutions.
A New Approach
Dr. Ehdaie put this into action during a consultation with a 62-year-old man newly diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Instead of presenting data, he asked:
“What does this diagnosis mean to you?”
The man paused, then opened up:
- He shared how his father had passed away when he was 17, leaving his family shattered.
- He confessed his fear of putting his wife and children through the same pain.
- He worried about being seen as “the old sick guy” at work, losing respect and control over his life.
By simply asking a question, Dr. Ehdaie shifted the conversation from fear-driven resistance to honest dialogue.
Building Trust
Now that he understood the patient’s emotional state, Dr. Ehdaie mirrored it with empathy:
- He shared his own experiences with illness in his family.
- He acknowledged the man’s fears and validated them.
This wasn’t about facts or figures—it was about connection.
Once the patient felt seen and understood, Dr. Ehdaie gently introduced the concept of active surveillance.
This time, the patient listened. He trusted the plan because it came from someone who truly understood his fears.
Why This Matters
Dr. Ehdaie’s story is more than a lesson in medicine—it’s a masterclass in communication.
Here’s what we can learn:
- Start with curiosity.
Asking questions like “What does this mean to you?” unlocks deeper fears and values. - Match the conversation.
Logic won’t land when emotions are running high. Acknowledge the feelings first. - Build trust through empathy.
Sharing your own experiences can create a safe space for dialogue. - Guide, don’t lecture.
Once the emotional groundwork is laid, people are far more receptive to solutions.
The Bigger Picture
This approach isn’t just for doctors. It works in any high-stakes conversation:
- As a leader, acknowledge your team’s frustrations before offering solutions.
- As a coach, understand your client’s fears before suggesting strategies.
- As a friend, validate emotions before giving advice.
The Takeaway
Facts matter. But connection is the bridge to understanding.
Dr. Ehdaie’s story shows us that real progress happens when we honor both logic and emotion.
Whether you’re helping someone navigate a cancer diagnosis, a career challenge, or a personal setback, remember this:
The best solutions aren’t just about what you know—they’re about how much you care.
This post was inspired by Maya Shankar's interview with Charles Duhigg for A Slight Change of Plans Podcast.
Charles Duhigg is the author of Super Communicators, The Power of Habit, and Smarter Faster Better.
